Legolas' Little Secret
by ScHiZoPhReNiC-GoLlUm
Summary: "I'm too sexy for my shirt." A phrase used by Elvis, Bill Clinton and Josh Hartnett. Now, it's Legolas' 15 minutes of fame, and he has something to share...(evil grin)


A/N: Don't blame it on me, it was the sugar. The SUGAR! Anyway, no property mentioned in this pointless fanfic belongs to me. When I die, I'd like Orlando Bloom to be buried with me when raving fangirls come after me with their Mary-Sue hairbrushes and those poisonous nail polish remover toxic thingys. Whew, long run-on sentence. To get to the point (HA, what point?), I do not mean to offend anybody, and apologize beforehand if I do. Everyone loves Legolas, right? Heh heh...we all know that...so do not, I repeat, DO NOT come after me!!! Reviews are like chocolate, delicious and totally edible. Flames will be used to burn Gimli's nose hair. Please, don't take too seriously!  
Legolas' Little Secret  
  
By CeriseRose  
  
'I'm too sexy for my shirt.'  
  
This (in)famous phrase is used repeatedly over and over, sung by hundreds of people in different eras. At first it was Elvis, then Bill Clinton, then Josh Hartnett...and now, ME.  
  
Well, for all y'all out there who think I'm just another one of those 'ohmyhe'sincrediblyhotbutprobablywillbegonefromfameinnowlet'ssee15minutes,14 minutes,13minutes,etc,andpoofhe'sgonelikethat' people, you're probably right.  
  
But before I fade from these glorious fifteen minutes, let me letcha in on a secret.  
  
You know, being sexy is difficult. One must always look perfect, prance with each step in delicate superiority and of course, starve oneself as to be as thin-as-possible (the limit? you know you've gone to far when Gollum weighs more than you). What's more, you've got to always put on the most dramatic face possible when the spotlight's on you. Ya gotta know what to do at the right time, in any situation. Look at ME. I went around Middle- Earth for months on end, fighting those grotesque Orcs and still looking super-sexy at the same time. But I still had to keep my hair shining and healthy, right? I still had to work off those calories from Sam's bacon, do I lie? See, there's the lovely need to improvise, and we blondes DO have brains. Except for Eowyn, but we'll get to that later.  
  
I'm pretty good at it, but managing beauty doesn't come that naturally. Every day, I practice making my voice go as lowly sexily (without sounding Saurmanish) as humanly possible, and exercise to get those well-defined legs and to-drool-for abs. Beauty comes with a price. It's neither for the lazy nor the imperfect.  
  
So what more could you want from me? Let's see...I live forever, I have gorgeous hair, a Godlike body, blue eyes and one of those 'Oh, GOD!' pouts. Plus, I have a wonderful, caring, compassionate personality. I'm devoted, I'm loyal, and I'm SINGLE. No wonder the ladies are foaming at the mouths. I am virtually PERFECT. Other words to describe me can be found in the dictionary. Here's a sample list: faultless, beautiful, immaculate, impeccable, gorgeous, excellent, second to none, matchless, taintless, sexually appealing, exquisite, lovely, arousing, enamoring-the list goes on and on and on.  
  
But, behind every row of pearl-white teeth comes a darker, greasier side. No, not physically, I'm heaven on the outside. Deep down...every beautiful person hides something, something lurking in their brains (if they have brains). In this case, my issue is...  
  
Look, y'all know I'm beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunningly dazzling. BUT-  
  
Why are there girls hanging over Aragorn? Or, worse, FRODO?  
  
Even Ian McKellan got a boyfriend!  
  
I mean, they're all mortal and short and STUPID! Aragorn has nice green eyes, yes, like every classic prince in fairy tales, but HELLO, would you look at his HAIR? Does that man fry his head in bacon daily? The oil, the OIL! It hurts my precious azure eyes to even glance upon the OIL. Dripping, melting, sizzling his skull...I shudder to think. Probably killed off all his brain cells, if he even had any to begin with. And yet, he managed to snag Arwen, who's like, THE Mary-Sue. It's not fair! I'M the beautiful immortal one, and the greasebag in the corner gets the beautiful Elven princess with the raven hair and the electrifying eyes. I think she only likes him for being king. Well, what about me? I'm the prince of Mirkwood, which is better than stupid Gondor. And I don't hide or flinch about my royalty. Did you see me in Fellowship of the Ring? I was practically screaming 'HE IS KING OF GONDOR!!' .  
  
And what the heck is up with Eowyn falling for him? Man, she's hot, but she must be one of those stereotypically 'dumb blondes'. How could she fall in love with HIM? Why does she cry over him? She could kick his butt! But before her foot could be raised in the air, I'd be gone in a flash from my graceful, natural agility. Oh, and Galadriel! Yeah, yeah, she's married and all, but did you SEE the way she looked at him? For the longest time, her deep blue eyes were fixed on him...how come all the beautiful women in this world like this pathetic, dirty scoundrel?  
  
To make things worse, anyone with Elven eyesight can tell that he's totally faking the whole 'I'm-a-sexy-Ranger-who-is-ragged-and-has-good-looks-and- don't-need-to-wash-my-hair' act. What a loser.  
  
The most screwed up thing is that we've often been the objects of slash partners. It totally sickens me to think that. Seriously, what kind of lifeless authors would put someone as beautiful as ME together with that...thing? Why, he'd get his dirty oil all over my dainty, rose-white fingers! Ew, and his lips are so cracked. He needs Maybelline Lip Healers. Badly. If he were to be 'gently pressing his lips against mine' or 'tracing butterfly kisses on my neck', his lips would probably cut open my beautiful, perfect skin. Whenever I read these 'A/L SLASH!' stories, I totally want to lurch. Yuck, yuck, YUCK.  
  
Stupid sexy Ranger. So what if his muscles are firm and defined? Mine are too! Come on, look at my curvy legs! And blue eyes are so much better than green, right? No? Well you can go and drown in his GREASE. At least I use conditioner. If he ever put it on his filthy head, the conditioner would probably sizzle away in his hair and be eaten by the rats and mold living on his scalp and whatnot. What a waste of conditioner.  
  
Moving on, what's up with all these girls pouncing on Frodo? The kids' 4 feet tall, for heaven's sake! And his feet, URGH. I know about the rumor that a big feet is proportioned to another certain ahem...body part...but dang, does that mean that he's THAT hairy, too?????? You could get lost in there!  
  
Sure, Frodo's eyes are dazzlingly blue (maybe even a little more dazzling than mine, but only a little) and he's the main frickin' character/hero of the story, but he's so...stupid! I mean, in Fellowship of the Ring, the first thing he did was cross his arms girlishly, bat his eyes at gay Gandalf and pronounce, 'You're LATE!' in the most ditzy way possible. And the stupid little hobbit didn't even fight! All he did was kind of crawl away and slip on the Ring a bazillion times. Conceited little midget. The Ring would never have tempted me, because I don't NEED power or immortality. I already have it!  
  
There are a million things wrong with Frodo. He's girly, he's a coward, his feet are hairy. His clothes are so tacky, he and Sam seem to be gay, and he actually fed his finger to Gollum. Oh, and he dances like a chicken! If this is what girls like, the people of this time have become very deformed indeed. Besides, Elijah Wood is like, three feet shorter even in REAL LIFE than Franka Potente.  
  
Stupid adorable hobbit!  
  
Why, WHY are people attracted to greasebags and gay midgets? Don't they notice the beautiful, lithe GOD right beside them? My skin isn't weathered, it's baby soft and the color of soft vanilla. My hair isn't the definition of grease, nor is it from the '70's, it's light and fair and long and sparkling! I'm not gay with anyone, and I'm not a coward to take my throne or battle against Orcs. I don't need mithril, I don't need Isildur's blade.  
  
I AM PERFECT!!!!!!  
  
Right?  
  
So, the next time you watch a Lord of the Rings movie, and you happen to see a certain handsome, rugged, green eyed Ranger or an adorable, vulnerable little blue eyed hobbit, BE SURE TO NOTICE THE HOT ELF NEXT TO THEM!  
  
Because if you don't, I shall surely cry. And that'll just mess up my mascara.  
  
Oh God, I just heard Elrond say, "I'm too sexy for my shirt."  
  
I'm going to vomit. And this time, it's not just from bulimia.  
A/N: LoL...I really do have NO LIFE. Don't sue, I personally LOVE (torturing) Aragorn and Legolas and Frodo. First reviewer who can actually tell me the POINT of this Fanfic gets chocolate! 


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